|Jessica Perini Editorial Services > Writing tips and tricks||
Jessica Perini Editorial Services > Writing tips and tricks
Exercise number 1 — Twisted job application
To whom it may interest,
Please find my application for the position ‘creative know-it-all
“We are looking for an active person, with a working knowledge
of the fine things in life.”
As an Olympic athlete, I am known to jump trains and trucks with my
motorbike. I am a World Cup defender for one of the lesser-known countries.
My best quality, a love of blue cheese, I uphold, even though cream
is not my stomach’s best friend. As the tallest, sweetest meat
eater on my block, I hold no large flailing sticks against vegetarians.
At times I try to emulate them, pluck free range chick peas from the
garden. I live freely with my love of sweet potato, though I know not
how it differs from yam.
“This person can improvise when placed in difficult situations, and is easily adaptable to a changing work environment.”
I mime, earning spare change on street corners. My best performance wowed the Queen. My influences are random: sometimes I like men with hats, at other times Irish dancers waving their arms at the sky.
“The successful candidate will be devoted to human rights and
My power convinces friends to wash greasy post-party dishes, and children
to sleep at allotted bedtimes. No flag poles decorate my lawn. Refugees
are welcome to sleep in my Daihatsu.
“Knowledge of written and spoken English is a must. The applicant
must know the rules so as to bend and break them when necessary.”
I am not a convict to other people’s spelling. Nor does it rock
my foundations to hack at an infinitive. I am not numbed by university
teachings (’t’would be too passive); university teachings
numb me. My learning of Latin is elementary, but my main complaint lies
with the English.
“Accepting instructions and working as a team member is a must,
however the applicant will need to demonstrate self-confidence and the
ability to fight fairly for their ideas.”
When you jump, my blades of grass flatten, but my football field of life overgroweth. My candelabra has only just been lit. I will not walk when I can run. I will not trudge up your mountain of possibilities till I reach you. You, the phantom reader, you the ramshackle audience, poking your thumbs in my eyes. I feel eminently qualified for this job and would be the best candidate, and first around the block. Pick me! Pick me!